This is awesome. Christina’s mom is fucking legit for buying me this laptop and letting her pay her back in installments. I feel really good right now. 

SO GOOD I WANT TO MAKE OUT. WITH EVERYONE ARRAGGAAAAHHHHHHYEAHAAAAAH. Just kidding, but today has been awesome.

The other day I told someone who I was for 90 percent of high school.

I used to only deck out in plaid shirts, an Oakland Athletics hat with the bill flipped up which was labeled “StellA,” I only wore pants (the skinniest), and my piercings mattered a lot to me. My hair was always cut really short and it bleached blonde or some unnatural color. 

I never wore make-up, girly clothes and shoes made no sense to me and headphones were attached to my head outside of classes.

That was a normal day.

He said it was hard to believe and that it was a far cry from tights and miniskirts. 

Bumping into people you don’t normally see from high school creates a dense air of nostalgia. That brief few minutes of conversation, you get the gist of their lives since the last time you saw each other. You remember what they used to look like, and you compare their past selves to what you’re looking at now.

“Wow, she really let herself go. She used to be in better shape and I thought she was really pretty,” I thought. 

Then you reflect upon yourself. It’s so easy to sum up your past in your head and while it’s not instantaneous, everything still pieces together pretty quickly. Past events and choices were either good and bad - you smile or wince at the thought of them.

Next, you think about why… Why did you change everything you were used to? I did to try to win back someone. I must admit. Did it work? For a short while.

It jumped out at me. I realized I liked looking feminine once awhile. That it’s nice to not have your sexuality constantly questioned because of your everyday attire. That it felt pretty damn good for dressing nice on occasions that didn’t just include parties and holidays.

However, I felt good before. 

I liked being straight-edge. It wasn’t self-proclaimed, but I had a morality that wasn’t interested in smoking, drinking and promiscuity. 

I liked playing games into the morning daylight and staying home without worry of hanging out with friends or dating. 

At least not everything was lost. If you have a good sense of yourself you learn to keep things and qualities that are important to you. That changes are going to happen and that’s perfectly fine.

Everything goes through phases.